Turning 30

22 Jul

189 - Copper tinted sky

Today I turn thirty years old. I know age is nothing but a number and it doesn’t really matter, but it truly makes me feel terrible. Mainly because here I am with nothing to show for the past thirty years of my life. I have crippling anxiety, no college degree, no friends, no job, no money, and a relationship that makes me completely miserable. It has been a real struggle.

Mainly, I am just feeling sad because I don’t have any friends to help me celebrate a milestone of a birthday. If I had it my way, I’d have lots of friends over for a barbeque, cake, & booze. Instead, it will just be me and the boyfriend that I love to hate having an awkward dinner out together. Sitting in silence while we eat.  Perhaps we will go somewhere nice.

Anxiety makes it really hard for me to make friends. I know how and have had opportunities presented to me, but I just have mental breakdowns at any sort of idea of being social. Such a lonely life I lead.

However, I am trying to change all of these things. Starting with going back to school in the Autumn. That is the first step.

Go to school. Get a real job. Save up to move back to Oregon.

Moving back to the west coast is pretty much my long term goal and what I have to look forward to eventually. I’ve never really had any long term goals in my life, but hopefully I can make this happen within the next five years.

Maybe over time, with going to school I can get over my anxiety and make real life friends. I can only hope.  I don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling lonely & isolated because its pretty darn miserable.

I want to make a life for myself. I want to be happy.

Halfway mark

18 Jul

July marks halfway through the year, and I can’t really say I’ve accomplished very much. I’ve kept up with my 365 project, at least.

I’ve watched one movie this year so far and that would be Guilt Trip. It wasn’t even a good movie. I watched a couple of documentaries one on Bronies and the other on mail order brides.

 

New to me TV shows I’ve watched this year so far:

Wilfred
Sons of Anarchy
Chobits
My Mad Fat Diary
Princess Jellyfish
House of Cards
Warehouse 13
Eureka
Black Butler
Doctor Who

 

Games I’ve played:

Zelda: Link Between Worlds

Animal Crossing, New Leaf

Tomodachi Life

Takenoko (Board game)

 

Music?

This year hasn’t been very kind to me in the musical sense, but I’m still working on putting my yearly playlist together. Since discovering Spotify this year, it has made me quite lazy in the music pursuit.

 

Places:

Haven’t wandered far from Maryland this year. Went to both DC and South Carolina once. If you want to count my cross-country drive in January, then that happened, too. I’ve frequented On the Border, the Owl Bar, Robert E Lee park, & Double Rock park.

 

That is my uneventful life in a nutshell.

Bike Obsessed

14 Jul

184 - Happy 4th of July to me!

 

I am pretty much obsessed with my new bike. I’ve been wanting a bicycle practically forever.  I received this beautiful baby from a friend as an early birthday present. I love it so much and am so thankful to receive such an amazing gift.  I look forwarding to many miles spent with my new set of wheels. <3

Childhood Summer Memories

3 Jul

Today’s post comes from the writing prompt from The Journal CEOList five memories of your childhood summers.

Carousel Horse
- Traveled a lot with my grandparents whether to Myrtle Beach or to the mountains. Sometimes I would go to the beach with my parents, as well.

- Spent a lot of time riding my bike up and down the street I lived on or out in the woods behind our house.

- My attempts at trying to catch lizards and frogs.

- Having a season pass to Carrowinds and spending the day in the waterpark playing while my mom laid out in the sun.

- Watching lots of Nickelodeon and the Disney channel while sipping Capri Suns and eating Lunchables. If I wasn’t watching TV, I was playing video games on my Nintendo, Game Boy, or Sega Genesis.

 

What are some of your childhood summer memories?

Taking steps forward

25 Jun

Untitled

 

Going back to school? I’m thinking hard about it and trying to get it worked out to where I can attend in the Autumn. But what will I study? I don’t know yet. I just know that this is probably the first step in the right direction, as much as I hate to admit. Do I really want to go to school? Get a normal job? No. I really don’t, but I’m going to have to, if I ever want to get anywhere on my own.

I went to talk to an academic  adviser today, but I was sent away because I didn’t have my transcripts from my previous college days. It was kind of discouraging, but I am still proud of myself for just getting up and going. I mailed off for my transcripts and they should be here next week.

 

Step #1

17 Jun

Admitting to myself that I have a problem and telling the world. I’m stuck in a rut and have been for quite some time. I battle with anxiety and depression daily and have been for almost eleven years. That’s a long time to be miserable.

Moving to Oregon last year was a step in the right direction and I was doing better, but then I regressed with I had to move back to Maryland. After six months of just sitting here being anxious about everything, I’m going to try. Going to try and make something out of my life instead of wasting away. I will be thirty years old in July and don’t have much to show for myself. Its embarrassing.

It is so hard to type all of this, much less think it to myself. So here’s to trying.

 

June is here, May is gone.

8 Jun

What have I been up to? This is what my mom asks me pretty much everytime we talk on the phone, which isn’t very often really. But still, my answer is always the same, “not a whole lot”. Its true. Sometimes I do stuff, but I just don’t feel like its that important to share. Here comes a bullet list.

 

- At the beginning of May I drove down to South Carolina to visit my family and my friend, Billy.

Me and Billy hung out on his days off. Me and my sister had a lunch date. I discovered a live bat in my parents toilet. Went to Myrtle Beach with my parents and got to see my grandparents. Did a lot of shopping with my mom.

- I cooked a lot in May. Made a lot of new things that I haven’t made before.

- We started taking Oscar to the park in the evenings on the weekends.

- I ordered the stuff and learned how to cut Oscar’s hair myself.

- Went to Brew at the Zoo with James.

 

That’s about it really. Nothing too exciting. So far June has been extra boring. Bleh.

 

 

Too hard to think positive

20 May

My head just feels like a balloon that is ready to pop at any minute. That’s just how it is. I’m so overwhelmed with everything. I feel like a bug stuck on a glue trap.

New Hair.

20 May

I was going to write something negative here since I am feeling down and whatnot, but decided to write about something that makes me happy right now and that is my hair.

I’m really digging the magenta, pink, purple, blue, teal kinda look. I was real tired of having red hair for over a year. I really liked the red, but i just wanted a change.  It took me awhile to decide on a hair color because there are so many options.  The shampoo girl at the salon says my hair reminds her of a wild berry poptart. I’ve never had one, but I’ve definitely seen the box and it is pretty good comparison, in my opinion. But yea, fun hair for the win!

So much to say

5 Apr

but can’t manage to put the words in a proper order to make sense of it all.