As always, I had a little photoshoot with myself after getting my hair done. I don’t know what it is, but I getting my hair done always makes me feel like a million bucks. I just wish I could either do it myself (Ok, I know how to do it myself by now, but I am kinda lazy) or had an unlimited supply of money so I could go to the salon more often than I do. I fortunately got enough birthday money and I immediately booked myself an appointment.
I like how Oscar decided he wanted to be in the picture, too.
This is my very sparse living room, but I finally got around to hanging my stuff back up on the walls. I made Oscar sit there because he kept running around under my feet which I find annoying. Some annoying dude came knocking on the door during my photoshoot. He was just rambling on how he wanted to cut our grass. He really didn’t make any sense.
I decided not to wear a dress for my photos because mainly I am tired of the ones I have. I haven’t found any good ones this year other than some online and I don’t have 80 dollars to drop on a dress. It makes me super anxious to think about the things I want and the lack of money I have. $_$
On my birthday last Tuesday I decided to a “Photo an Hour”. I was pretty successful in remember to take a photo. Did anything exciting happen? No, not really, but I wanted to document the day anyhow.
Favorite breakfast. Spicy Chicken biscuit.
Waxing my eyebrows.
Washing my hair.
Took Oscar for a walk.
Afternoon pick me up – chocolate milk & coffee.
Frosted my cake. Needs more sprinkles, I think.
Opened birthday cards I got in the mail.
Put on make up while watching ‘My Little Ponies’. Don’t judge me.
Ready to go.
At our dinner reservation at Woodberry Kitchen.
My dinner. Porkchop, dandelion greens. Heirloom tomatoes & eggplant. NOM.
Waiting for the valet to bring the car around.
Took Oscar with us to 7-11. Needed ice cream for the cake I didn’t eat until the next day.
DONE for the day.
Today I turn thirty years old. I know age is nothing but a number and it doesn’t really matter, but it truly makes me feel terrible. Mainly because here I am with nothing to show for the past thirty years of my life. I have crippling anxiety, no college degree, no friends, no job, no money, and a relationship that makes me completely miserable. It has been a real struggle.
Mainly, I am just feeling sad because I don’t have any friends to help me celebrate a milestone of a birthday. If I had it my way, I’d have lots of friends over for a barbeque, cake, & booze. Instead, it will just be me and the boyfriend that I love to hate having an awkward dinner out together. Sitting in silence while we eat. Perhaps we will go somewhere nice.
Anxiety makes it really hard for me to make friends. I know how and have had opportunities presented to me, but I just have mental breakdowns at any sort of idea of being social. Such a lonely life I lead.
However, I am trying to change all of these things. Starting with going back to school in the Autumn. That is the first step.
Go to school. Get a real job. Save up to move back to Oregon.
Moving back to the west coast is pretty much my long term goal and what I have to look forward to eventually. I’ve never really had any long term goals in my life, but hopefully I can make this happen within the next five years.
Maybe over time, with going to school I can get over my anxiety and make real life friends. I can only hope. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling lonely & isolated because its pretty darn miserable.
I want to make a life for myself. I want to be happy.
July marks halfway through the year, and I can’t really say I’ve accomplished very much. I’ve kept up with my 365 project, at least.
I’ve watched one movie this year so far and that would be Guilt Trip. It wasn’t even a good movie. I watched a couple of documentaries one on Bronies and the other on mail order brides.
New to me TV shows I’ve watched this year so far:
Sons of Anarchy
My Mad Fat Diary
House of Cards
Games I’ve played:
Zelda: Link Between Worlds
Animal Crossing, New Leaf
Takenoko (Board game)
This year hasn’t been very kind to me in the musical sense, but I’m still working on putting my yearly playlist together. Since discovering Spotify this year, it has made me quite lazy in the music pursuit.
Haven’t wandered far from Maryland this year. Went to both DC and South Carolina once. If you want to count my cross-country drive in January, then that happened, too. I’ve frequented On the Border, the Owl Bar, Robert E Lee park, & Double Rock park.
That is my uneventful life in a nutshell.
I am pretty much obsessed with my new bike. I’ve been wanting a bicycle practically forever. I received this beautiful baby from a friend as an early birthday present. I love it so much and am so thankful to receive such an amazing gift. I look forwarding to many miles spent with my new set of wheels. <3
Today’s post comes from the writing prompt from The Journal CEO. List five memories of your childhood summers.
- Spent a lot of time riding my bike up and down the street I lived on or out in the woods behind our house.
- My attempts at trying to catch lizards and frogs.
- Having a season pass to Carrowinds and spending the day in the waterpark playing while my mom laid out in the sun.
- Watching lots of Nickelodeon and the Disney channel while sipping Capri Suns and eating Lunchables. If I wasn’t watching TV, I was playing video games on my Nintendo, Game Boy, or Sega Genesis.
What are some of your childhood summer memories?
Going back to school? I’m thinking hard about it and trying to get it worked out to where I can attend in the Autumn. But what will I study? I don’t know yet. I just know that this is probably the first step in the right direction, as much as I hate to admit. Do I really want to go to school? Get a normal job? No. I really don’t, but I’m going to have to, if I ever want to get anywhere on my own.
I went to talk to an academic adviser today, but I was sent away because I didn’t have my transcripts from my previous college days. It was kind of discouraging, but I am still proud of myself for just getting up and going. I mailed off for my transcripts and they should be here next week.
Admitting to myself that I have a problem and telling the world. I’m stuck in a rut and have been for quite some time. I battle with anxiety and depression daily and have been for almost eleven years. That’s a long time to be miserable.
Moving to Oregon last year was a step in the right direction and I was doing better, but then I regressed with I had to move back to Maryland. After six months of just sitting here being anxious about everything, I’m going to try. Going to try and make something out of my life instead of wasting away. I will be thirty years old in July and don’t have much to show for myself. Its embarrassing.
It is so hard to type all of this, much less think it to myself. So here’s to trying.
What have I been up to? This is what my mom asks me pretty much everytime we talk on the phone, which isn’t very often really. But still, my answer is always the same, “not a whole lot”. Its true. Sometimes I do stuff, but I just don’t feel like its that important to share. Here comes a bullet list.
- At the beginning of May I drove down to South Carolina to visit my family and my friend, Billy.
Me and Billy hung out on his days off. Me and my sister had a lunch date. I discovered a live bat in my parents toilet. Went to Myrtle Beach with my parents and got to see my grandparents. Did a lot of shopping with my mom.
- I cooked a lot in May. Made a lot of new things that I haven’t made before.
- We started taking Oscar to the park in the evenings on the weekends.
- I ordered the stuff and learned how to cut Oscar’s hair myself.
- Went to Brew at the Zoo with James.
That’s about it really. Nothing too exciting. So far June has been extra boring. Bleh.