Today I turn thirty years old. I know age is nothing but a number and it doesn’t really matter, but it truly makes me feel terrible. Mainly because here I am with nothing to show for the past thirty years of my life. I have crippling anxiety, no college degree, no friends, no job, no money, and a relationship that makes me completely miserable. It has been a real struggle.
Mainly, I am just feeling sad because I don’t have any friends to help me celebrate a milestone of a birthday. If I had it my way, I’d have lots of friends over for a barbeque, cake, & booze. Instead, it will just be me and the boyfriend that I love to hate having an awkward dinner out together. Sitting in silence while we eat. Perhaps we will go somewhere nice.
Anxiety makes it really hard for me to make friends. I know how and have had opportunities presented to me, but I just have mental breakdowns at any sort of idea of being social. Such a lonely life I lead.
However, I am trying to change all of these things. Starting with going back to school in the Autumn. That is the first step.
Go to school. Get a real job. Save up to move back to Oregon.
Moving back to the west coast is pretty much my long term goal and what I have to look forward to eventually. I’ve never really had any long term goals in my life, but hopefully I can make this happen within the next five years.
Maybe over time, with going to school I can get over my anxiety and make real life friends. I can only hope. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling lonely & isolated because its pretty darn miserable.
I want to make a life for myself. I want to be happy.