Panduh!

…that I want to do with my life, but I just don’t know where to begin. It is absolutely overwhelming. So, I do nothing instead. I need to figure everything out, but I just don’t know how. I feel like I’m in an endless rut.

I think after the dogs’ next vet appointment I may go home for a few weeks. We’ll, see, though. My visits to home never last very long. I don’t have a high tolerance for my mother, plus I get homesick for Baltimore real quick.

I try and make friends and get myself out there socially and it just backfires in my face. It takes a lot of effort to just even think about participating in some sort of social event/gathering, much less going to one. Here I am thinking I’ve made some sort of progress. Nope. I have a big, fat rejection stamp on my forehead. Cool. Thanks. Just what I always wanted.

I don’t handle rejection in any form well at all. It basically tears me apart. I feel like a giant baby, but that is just don’t know how to handle it otherwise.

I wish I was cool, not awkward, and I had tons of friends that I could do & share things with, but I don’t. My only friends are online and it makes me feel absolutely pathetic sometimes. No sir, I don’t like it. I wish I could change it, but I need help in order to do so. FML.

I think I will stay perpetually drunk until January. Seems to be a reoccurring thing to happen around this time of year. It doesn’t help that 11/11/11 is just right around the corner and my wish isn’t going to come true.

I welcome back my good friend, Martini.

This depression is absolutely eating away at me. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I tried going to the doctor to get meds, but it just way too expensive without insurance and I can’t justify having James pay for it like that when most people can go and get it so much cheaper because they’re lucky enough to have insurance. Its not fair. It frustrates me beyond belief. The easy solution is not for me to go get a job and get my own insurance. It could happen but I feel anxiety coming on just thinking about it.

Its like an endless loop of fail. I need a job so I can have insurance, but I have trouble acquiring a job mainly because of my bad credit and my anxiety. So, I get depressed about it, plus other things, and there ya have it. Rinse & repeat. Its like Rebecca Black’s Friday on repeat, except I know where I’m going to sit in the car.

The same thing goes for being lonely. I’m lonely because I have social anxiety. There are plenty of meetin & meetup events I want to go to, but I just can’t bring myself to go to them. I am shy and I don’t know what to say to people, so I will just end up sitting there staring out into space and/or watching everyone else have a good time.  So, fuck that.

Ugh. I wish there was an easy fix for all of this and I could feel better. I feel like the longer it goes, the worse I feel. Oh well. Its all my fault. I messed it all up when I initially quit my shitty job back in 2006 and lets not forget me quitting school, that didn’t help either.

So now I’m gonna go wallow in my own misery.